The world’s richest man and all-round genius Elon Musk has today announced that he is to make radical changes to his own body.
Aping his approach to business and, more recently, that of his DOGE department within the Trump administration, Musk told News of the News that he will remove any body parts that he sees as superfluous, with the intention of increasing his own efficiency and performance.
He told our reporter: “Whether you believe in God or evolution, it’s become clear to me that the human form is dysfunctional. For instance, did you know that we only need a third of one kidney to function normally yet for some reason we get two? That’s batshit crazy and my pioneering approach will remedy such glaring flaws in our design”.
News of the News understands that, amongst other body parts, Musk plans to remove his:
- Left Ear – Reducing unnecessary outside noise, most of which comes from ‘idiots that disagree with me’.
- Left Testicle – Apparently one is enough to generate ‘prime Musk juice’, as he calls it, and continue his plan to impregnate as many of the world’s females as possible.
- Left Leg – Teslas are automatic so he only needs the right one, naturally.
- Left Kidney – Which, frustratingly for Musk, still leaves more kidney than he needs.
- Areas of the brain that generate empathy, love, kindness and any form of positive emotion – I think you can see where this is going.
- ‘Woke Mind Virus’ – Nope, we’ve got no idea either!
We understand that this is very much ‘Stage 1’ of Musk’s plans. If successful, Stage 2 could see him removing his entire body, with the still functioning Musk-head travelling around via a miniature rocket powered glass sphere that would be capable of smashing through walls, undertaking intergalactic space travel and conquering the known universe.