In a flurry of rule changes this week, Premier League referees are to be given a green-coloured card to accompany the red, yellow and blue ones they already carry.
A spokesperson for the Premier League told News of the News:
“Football is a game that spans the globe, touching all countries and cultures, but it originated here in Britain.”
“We wanted to give referees the ability to arbitrarily grant foreign players permanent residency and working rights in the ‘land of football’ whenever they fancy doing so.”
“It might seem like an odd thing to introduce”, he added, “but, hey, we’re the Premier League. We’re literally making this shit up as we go along!”