Tonight’s Euro 2020 semi-final will decide whether it’s England or Denmark that go through to play Italy in Sunday’s final but which of the two is the better country off the pitch?
Find out in our winner-takes-all battle below:
Round 1: Beer
Everyone knows that the most famous beer in Denmark is Carlsberg. For years they’ve tried to convince the public that their product is “probably the best lager in the world” but it takes more than some clever marketing and the dulcet tones of Orson Welles to convince us.
In reality it’s nothing more than fizzy piss and a drink best left to the likes of your grandad who, back in the 1970s, probably had to choose between Carlsberg or some rank bitter that smelled like farts.
The best-selling beer in England is the competitively-priced Carling. Before we go on, yes, we know that Carling is a Canadian company but we’d counter that with three important points:
1. It’s brewed in the UK.
2. Canada is part of the commonwealth and therefore pretty-much English.
3. The top 10 beers sold in the UK are all made by companies based outside of England so we had no choice.
As for its flavour, well who cares what it tastes like? The important thing is that for St George’s flag-wearing, hard-drinking Englishmen, Carling is the perfect beer for that fifteen to twenty pint binge or to wash down a lamb bhuna whilst watching the footy. It’s also cheap, unlike that craft beer shite.
Round 2: Women
There’s no denying that Danish women are attractive. Whether they’re the raven-haired sort or the blond-temptress, you’ll never be short on lovelies to ogle at should you find yourself on a stag-do in Copenhagen.
The trouble is, their Scandinavian cousins the Swedes are that little bit tastier aren’t they? They must be because most of the porn people watched in the 80s and 90s had the word “Swedish” in the title. Also, that Ulrika Jonsson was fit back in the day.
English women might not be as attractive as the Danes in a ‘traditional sense’ but the fact that we have the highest number of teen pregnancies in Europe proves one thing: English women are well and truly up for it and that’ll do for us…
Round 3: Food
The Danes are best-known for their fancy baked concoction, the Danish pastry. The swirly confectionery is renowned throughout the world and often eaten for breakfast, usually by women or effeminate Californian men.
As nice as our wives and girlfriends might say they are, they’re too sweet for our masculine palate and a proper (English)man wouldn’t be seen dead eating one.
What could be more glorious than waking up the day after England win Euro 2020 – head still swimming after some epic Carling consumption the night before – with the smell of a full English breakfast wafting into the bedroom from downstairs?
OK, so the bacon might be Danish but those sausages will be England’s finest (unless they’re Richmond which are made in Ireland) and that congealed pig’s blood that’s been mixed with fat and oatmeal is likely to be the tastiest English black pudding money can buy. Dipping some toasted white Tesco Value bread in a runny egg is the icing on the cake.
Round 4: Weather
Scandinavia is further north than England so Denmark gets more extreme weather than we do apparently.
Their winters can be cold with lots of snow so we assume the locals like to go skiing or do other similarly poncy activities that we’d never get involved in in a million years.
Danish summers have more daylight too which gives them more time to do whatever activity it is that they get up to, and that we couldn’t be bothered to research, whilst we’re busy being the best country in the world.
The weather in England is great. Perfect even. Well maybe not perfect but good enough which is all that matters.
It rains a lot here but that’s what makes it such a “green and pleasant land”. Plus it saves us money on cleaning the car.
We get lots of sun here in England too, we just never know when it’s going to happen. In fact sometimes we get four or five consecutive days of warm sunshine which, being honest, can be a bit much.
Round 5: TV
Nobody knew that the Danes even watched telly until we were suddenly bombarded with their weird TV shows a few years ago.
From what we can gather the Danes only watch programmes about autistic detectives who wear dodgy sweaters and never smile. To be honest we’ve not looked much further into it as we couldn’t understand a word they were saying and as a matter of principle don’t watch anything that needs subtitles (unless it’s a documentary about Pele or some other sporting legend).
Everyone knows that English TV is the finest in the world.
Mrs Brown’s Boys might feature a load of Irish people but we’re pretty sure it’s made in England and that they’re all just putting on the accents.
Line of Duty is definitely English though, we’re sure of that, and the finale was really, really good despite what everyone says.
They did ruin Doctor Who by making her a bird though. There was no excuse for that.
England 5 – 0 Denmark