Why paying £12m to a complete stranger is a victory, by Prince Andrew’s lawyers 

Lawyers acting on behalf of estranged royal, Prince Andrew, have today been explaining to bemused journalists why settling a US lawsuit brought by someone he claims never to have met, and allegedly to the tune of circa £12m, is somehow a positive result.

In a feat of verbal gymnastics, a spokesperson from the legal firm acting for the Prince told reporters that despite…

• the eye-wateringly huge sum of money involved;

• the fact that the Queen, Maj herself, may have to use ‘her’ (i.e. public) funds to help pay the settlement;

• the ongoing threat of ‘Mr No-Sweat’ getting dragged into a future criminal case;

• the photographic evidence that proves he met the accuser, something he, bafflingly, still denies;

• the royal’s long-term friendships with disgusting, sub-human sex-traffickers, Jeffrey Epstein and Ghislaine Maxwell;

• his disastrous BBC television interview which presented alibis that could be picked-apart by a sleep-deprived nine year-old;

• the most significant part of the whole case i.e. the fact that nobody, literally nobody, could imagine Prince Andrew eating a fucking pizza…

…his client can now get on with his life, untarnished and without any of this nonsense coming back to haunt him ever, ever again.