Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert

The much-loved sausage, the meaty treat enjoyed all over the world, has become the subject of controversy thanks to comments made by a self-proclaimed culinary guru earlier today. 

Dave ‘Smithy’ Smith, a welder and part-time food expert, spoke to our reporter from a pub in Croydon where, amongst other things, he likes to share his opinions on food. He told us:

“You see, for years yer sausage has been categorised within its own distinct food group. Whether it’s the British banger, those weiner things what the Germans eat, or some other similar concoction, we all just accept the notion that they fall into a group known as the fackin’ sausage.”

He went on:

“What I’m suggesting is that the very concept of yer sausage is deeply, deeply flawed. Sausages, as people insist on fackin’ calling them, are usually made up of minced meat – you know, pork, chicken, beef, that kind of thing – and contain herbs, spices and other fancy seasonings to add flavour. In reality they’re just yer common or garden hamburger… but shaped like a dick!”

Smith went on to tell us that, in his expert opinion, sausages should be referred to as ‘Hamburgers (Dick-Shaped)’ going forwards and that any shops or restaurants that failed to comply with such guidelines should be forcibly closed.

News of the News has forwarded Mr Smiths’ comments to the UK government’s Department for Environment, Food and Rural Affairs (DEFRA) but has not as yet received a response.