UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show

With President Trump’s second term in office now in full swing, the US’s newly hostile attitude to its former allies means them having little influence over the superpower. 

Even the UK, once the beneficiary of an ongoing ‘special relationship’ with the United States, appears to have lost almost all influence over the increasingly isolationist nation.

Such is the deterioration in the alliance between the two countries, the US has now made it clear that it is only prepared to be swayed in its decision making by the TV shows of deceased British actor, comedian and all-round rapscallion, Benny Hill.

British Prime Minister Sir Keir Starmer told reporters that, far from being a terrifyingly regressive step that threatens us all, the new transatlantic relationship provided wonderful opportunities for the UK. 

News of the News understands that, in a bid to encourage President Trump to adopt a range of policy suggestions related to trade and the war in Ukraine, the first day of the PM’s visit to the US later this month will see him dress up in ‘saucy’ women’s underwear and a blonde wig, whilst clutching the aforementioned government  document. Starmer will then encourage Trump, JD Vance, Elon Musk, and anyone else that fancies joining in, to chase him around the gardens of the White House at high speed.

If this bold and innovative approach proves successful, the PM aims to discuss the proposals with the President in greater detail later that day. However, in a deviation from established protocol, he intends to undertake those discussions whilst impersonating a man from China who occasionally mispronounces words. We understand that this is likely to lead to much misunderstanding and confusion, albeit in a mildly-lewd and amusing, if depressingly racist, kind of a way.