October 1, 2020

Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed purchasing’

Online retail giant, Amazon, has responded to pressure from consumer groups by introducing a breathalyser that will work in conjunction with its shopping app.

The breathalyser will shortly become compulsory for all Amazon account holders and is being introduced to counter the huge rise in ‘pissed purchasing’, a term used to describe the act of ordering products online whilst under the influence of alcohol.

A spokesperson for the creators of the breathalyser told NEWS of the NEWS:

“Nearly all of us have done it. We’re sat at home enjoying a few drinks and one thing leads to another. We wake up the next morning with no recollection of the previous evening’s retail adventures and are shocked when, a day or two later, a DPD van pulls up outside with numerous packages.”

So how will the breathalyser work? The creators told our reporters:

“It’s a very simple device to use. You just plug it into your ‘phone using the appropriate lead depending on the make and model and then follow the instructions on the Amazon app. If the user has had more than four units of alcohol – approximately two pints of normal-strength beer – then the app will block purchases until the alcohol in their bloodstream drops to the required level. The system also recognises the user’s breath so can’t be cheated by another person blowing into it.”

Reaction to the breathalyser’s introduction has been positive. Jenny Freeman from Plymouth told us:

“I’m so relieved that Amazon are doing this. My pissed purchasing is getting totally out of hand and I’ve now got a house full of sh*t that holds no appeal to me when I’m sober.”

Martin O’Connor from Stoke-on-Trent agrees:

“This new breathalyser can’t come too soon”, he told us. “My pissed purchasing is so bad that I go into a cold sweat when I hear the sound of a van outside the house. Last Monday I unexpectedly received a full Bayern Munich away strip and an electric salt grinder. The week before I was shocked to receive a refurbished Commodore 64 computer and Kraftwerk’s ‘Tour de France’ LP on vinyl. I wouldn’t mind”, he added, “but I haven’t even got a frigging record player!”