Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen 

A report released today suggests that the beds of most UK hotels are predominantly made up of semen and other sexual juices.

NEWS of the NEWS understands that the report follows a detailed analysis of the beds of thousands of hotel rooms up and down the country.

A spokesperson for the organisation that undertook the testing told our reporters:

“We all knew there was a high likelihood of semen and other bodily fluids being present but none of us anticipated that they would be found in such huge volumes”

“The only conclusion we can reach is that the British public clearly do nothing but have sex in hotel rooms or, in the case of those based in business districts, wank themselves silly rather than visit the hotel bar.”

The spokesperson went on to explain that the actual figure for most hotel rooms is nearer 90% but that the beds at Travelodges had a semen and sexual fluid content of nearer 100% which  increased the average.