New York jury finds Trump guilty of being himself

The jury in a New York civil trial has found former President Trump guilty of being himself.

Following the jury’s deliberations, the judge read their verdict to the court: 

“After considering the allegations against the 45th President of the United States, we find him guilty of being himself and of doing the sorts of things that he’s bragged about doing over the years. If we’re honest, in the 3 hours it took us to reach this conclusion, 2 hours and 59 minutes of it were taken up deciding what take-out to get from Uber Eats and then eating it.”

Lawyers for Trump told NEWS of the NEWS reporters: 

“It’s a dark day for America when a man can’t just be himself, do the horrendous things he’s openly bragged about – all whilst having little to no regard for their effects on his victims – without finding himself in court as a result.”