May 18, 2024

Tory Party members to decide who gets to f**k you next 

In a demonstration of democracy at its finest, the 200,000 or so members of the Conservative Party are currently choosing the country’s next prime minister using a process they decided themselves. 

Not content with the shitstorm we’ve all endured during their predecessor’s reign, NEWS of the NEWS understands that, whoever wins, the next PM will be energised, motivated and ready to inflict more pain and suffering on a public that has already taken enough.

A person close to the voting process, speaking to us on the condition of anonymity, told us:

“Is it going to get worse? Of course it is, we’re the Tory party! With the exception of the very wealthy, we’re going to fuck each and every one of you to within an inch of your lives, tell you that you’ve never had it so good, and expect you to be grateful.”