May 18, 2024

Remember when Marvel was just powdered milk?

As the Marvel Cinematic Universe releases what feels like the 2,000th movie in a series featuring ever more complicated plot lines, NEWS of the NEWS recalls simpler times, when the word Marvel meant something far more handy. 

It’s midnight, you can’t sleep, and you’ve decided to make yourself a hot chocolate but, bollocks, you’ve run out of milk! Fear not, thanks to your nan calling round that time with a load of weird shit you’d never seen before, you’ve got a tin of Marvel powdered milk in the cupboard. A nice, heaped spoonful of its dehydrated goodness later and… Bosh! You can proceed as planned. Stick that up your red, white and blue arse, Captain America!

But wait, it’s 8am and your children need their Coco-Pops when… another crisis… your semi-skimmed is out of date! No problem, you’ve still got that tin of Marvel in the cupboard behind all those herbs and shit. Kaboom! Breakfast is served, and just in time. Can The Hulk do that? Can he balls, the snot-coloured fucker!

And finally, oh sweet Jesus, you’ve forgotten about the bloke that’s coming round to fix the boiler. You know, the one who loves a cup of tea or twelve. Well you’ve also forgotten to go to the Co-op for some cow juice, you fool! Nay fucking problem, son! Break out that dented, slightly rusting tin of Marvel desiccated milk, fortified with an arbitrary selection of vitamins, and…. Bam! Dave the plumber gets his PG Tips. One in the eye for that lazy, hammer-dragging twat Thor, that’s for sure!