October 1, 2020

95% of football fans ‘couldn’t give a sh*t’ about Premier League restarting

With the 2019-20 Premier League season set to restart this week, NEWS of the NEWS asked a cross-section of fans whether they were excited at the prospect. The results might surprise clubs and Premier League officials alike.

“I couldn’t give a flying f**k, frankly!”, said Joe Burns from East London.

“I thought I loved football but I’ve enjoyed weekends so much more over the last three months. My hair’s starting to grow back and my blood pressure has dropped to normal levels. That’s despite there being a pandemic sweeping the world and violent protests just down the road.”

Steve Hardcastle from Brighton was of a similar opinion:

“Couldn’t give a sh*t, mate”, he told our reporter when asked the question.

“Weekends have become a positive experience for me rather than the rollercoaster of emotions they used to be. The wife and I have developed an interest in fine wines and Scandinavian detective shows actually. There’s only two or three teams that realistically have any chance of success in the Premier League so what’s the point spending time, money and energy on watching? Give me a drawn-out, subtitled police procedural any day of the week.”

Christine Kelly from Southampton agrees:

“Don’t get me wrong, I still love my club”, she told us, “it’s just that I don’t want to have to watch them on TV or from the terraces ever again. In fact it’s been a pure, unadulterated pleasure not having to think about them until now. Thanks for spoiling it!”

There was one area of the country where some fans remained positive about the restart. Lee Gamble from West Derby in Liverpool told us:

“Mate, like everyone else in the country I literally cannot wait! The Premier League is the pinnacle of sport and this season definitely needs to be concluded. We’re in the middle of a pandemic so the whole country needs a boost. What better way to achieve that than watching us win the league? I’m sure fans of every team will be willing us on too, we’re such a special club!”