February 29, 2024

“Please Can We Have Our Sport Back?” Sob Britain’s Men

It’s official, after four torrid weeks without televised sport the UK’s men have finally lost it.

Steve Miller from Wolverhampton told NEWS of the NEWS:

“For the first few weeks it was fine. The lack of sport on TV just meant that I could spend more time with the wife and gave me the chance to catch up on any jobs that needed doing around the house. Looking back I was obviously in denial.”

He went on to describe how difficult the withdrawal process had become: “By the third week I was desperate to watch a live football match or any professional sport played at a decent level. I even started flicking between the Sky Sports channels and BT Sport just in case there was something being shown from an area of the world that wasn’t affected by Coronavirus. Of course there was nothing but I was clutching at straws.”

But things were about to get at lot worse as Miller entered the fourth week without live televised sport.

“I don’t know how it happened”, he said, “I guess I must have been feeling really, really low. It was about 2am on the Sunday morning and at that point it had been more than 600 hours since I’d watched live sport on TV. I know I shouldn’t have but I actually started flicking between both Eurosport channels.”

At this point Miller had to pause as his emotions took over. With tears in his eyes he continued: “I’m embarrassed to even talk about it if I’m honest but I was desperate. I ended up watching a rerun of a women’s biathlon from earlier in the year. You know, it’s that sport where they do cross country skiing and then occasionally stop to shoot at some targets? I was so desperate for that ‘buzz’ I used to get that I even tried to pretend I was watching it live. For some reason, I can’t remember why, I decided to stick up for one of the Norwegian women. I was gutted when her shooting went to pot towards the end.”

With no end to the lack of televised sport in sight, Miller’s desperation is shared by many if not most of the UK’s men. His final words sum up the test of character they are all facing at this difficult time:

“I’d give anything just to be sat on the sofa on a Saturday afternoon listening to the light-hearted banter of Jeff Stelling, Paul Merson and the boys”, he said. “I’d even be prepared to stomach the garbage that tw*t Phil Thompson comes out with if it meant just a few hours in the warm glow of live sport.”

If, like Steve, you are struggling to come to terms with a world without live televised sport then a government website has been set up to help. Go to: www.gov.uk/sport-withdrawal