June 15, 2024

Sky TV Confirms: No Evidence of Top-Flight Football Pre-1992

Following a month-long investigation, Sky TV has announced that it can find no evidence of top-flight English football being played prior to 1992.

A spokesman for the network that has held a virtual monopoly over football for more than 25 years told NEWS of the NEWS:

“For many years, seemingly disgruntled viewers have called, emailed and written to Sky suggesting that there had been proper, organised top-flight football before we began televising the Premier League in 1992.” 

He continued: “Our investigative reporters decided enough was enough and that we should look into this urban myth to see whether there was any truth to it.”

So did Sky’s investigation uncover anything? Their spokesman had this to say: 

“We had heard anecdotal evidence of teams with names like ‘Derby County’ and ‘Everton’ winning some sort of league, so set to work checking the archives to establish whether there was any truth to it and, if so, whether it was in an actual top-flight English league.”

He went on: “After many weeks of research we did indeed find records of these teams. We even unearthed photographs and grainy video footage that showed them playing football and lifting trophies. Sadly, it was all a red-herring.”

He explained why: “Although these now almost forgotten teams did play football, we established that it was in a makeshift league called the ‘First Division’. Apparently in this archaic league, clubs didn’t receive a share of the TV revenue, players earned peanuts, and, if you go back a few decades, some of them even had other jobs. I think it’s fair to say then that the First Division was just an amateur league that, although no doubt entertaining, could not be considered a proper English top-flight league, unlike the Premiership.”

He finished summarising the network’s findings with the following comments: “The research process was absolutely fascinating but ultimately it led us to a conclusion that we had anticipated from the outset: Namely, that top-flight English football started when Sky began broadcasting the Premier League in 1992.” He added: “It also confirmed our long-held view, that the only teams that matter are the ones that have been successful since then… and, for some bizarre reason, Liverpool!”