August 5, 2020

Agreeing With Piers Morgan A Symptom Of Coronavirus, Confirms Government

In news that will come as a shock to large swathes of the British public, a government spokesman has confirmed that agreeing with Piers Morgan is a key symptom of the Coronavirus.

The spokesman told our reporters:

“The virus can present a number of symptoms, some more noticeable than others depending very much on the individual. Agreeing with some or all of what Piers Morgan has to say is one of the latest traits that we have become aware of and may be the result of a mutation in the virus. We must emphasise that it is a side-effect of the condition and does not mean that Mr Morgan has actually said anything that could be construed as ‘true’ or ‘accurate’.”

The spokesman also had advice for those that are experiencing the symptom:

“We suggest self-isolatation for a period of 14 days. During that period we also recommend the complete avoidance of any media platform that includes the opinions of Piers Morgan. If after 14 days you have not returned to a more typical view of Mr Morgan – for example, that he is a complete and utter c*** – then we recommend that you seek urgent medical attention.”

NEWS of the NEWS has subsequently pointed out that, based on the government’s comments, more than half of the UK’s population appears to have at least a mild form of the virus. We are currently awaiting their response.