September 20, 2021

Hand sanitiser causes cancer, say scientists

As if life wasn’t tough enough, a team of German scientists released a controversial report yesterday suggesting that regularly using hand sanitiser “increases the chances of developing cancer by 500%”.

NEWS of the NEWS understands that the report is the result of a 10 year study of medical professionals who used alcohol-based hand-sanitiser at least once daily as part of their working practices.

A spokesperson for the scientists, Dr Hans Lügnerin, told our reporters:

“We closely followed the lives of a large number of doctors and other medical staff who regularly use hand-sanitiser. At the end of the analysis period we found the subjects to have cancer rates that were five times the norm. Following extensive discussion, we have concluded that alcohol-based hand-sanitising gel was the cause”.

However, the team’s findings have been ridiculed by the majority of their peers.

A spokesperson for the British Medical Association (BMA) told us:

“Dr Lügnerin and his colleagues have something of a reputation for drawing controversial conclusions from their data. If I point out that the medical staff Lügnerin studied were all based at a hospital in Fukushima, Japan then I think you can probably fill in the gaps. Back in the 80s his team tried to suggest that rubber gloves also increased the risk of cancer. That assertion was based on studies they undertook at a town 15 kms from Chernobyl.”

NEWS of the NEWS has approached Dr Lügnerin for his response to the BMA’s comments but, at the time of writing, has not received a response.