In a report that is sending shock waves around the globe, a team of scientists claims that we are all living in an artificial simulation of the world, much like in the Keanu Reeves movie ‘The Matrix’.
Chief scientist, Prof. Spencer Jarvis, told NEWS of the NEWS:
“We’re pretty certain that it happened on or shortly after 10th January 2016. The world famous singer David Bowie died that day and his passing appears to have created a rift in the space time continuum. We can’t be 100% certain but are working on the hypothesis that the rift allowed machines from the future to get into our world and enslave humanity.”
Our reporters asked Prof. Jarvis what evidence there was for his team’s outlandish claim. His response was fascinating:
“Well, there are lots of small things that, when added together, appear to prove our assumption. However, it is the big things that make us almost certain.” He went on: “Within a few months of Bowie’s death improbable things started to occur. Leicester City won the Premier League, beating teams with far more talented players and much bigger budgets. The UK voted to leave the European Union despite every polling organisation saying that it could not happen and later in the year the US elected a President who was clearly unfit for office, again, despite the polls saying that it was almost impossible.”
So what other events does Prof. Jarvis think prove that we’re all inside a computer simulation?
“We all know deep down that there are many little things in our lives that don’t feel quite right but, again, it is the bigger things that prove our theory. We have Boris Johnson as the British Prime Minister. Boris Johnson! Also, most of us are currently living in a surreal lockdown situation due to a strange virus that has spread across the planet. The only explanation is that we’re all living in a computer simulation which, although unbelievably realistic, still struggles to recreate the natural flow of life. As a result it keeps throwing up extreme scenarios which in real life would only happen maybe once every fifty or more years.”
NEWS of the NEWS has to admit that these are compelling arguments. We asked Prof. Jarvis what extreme events his team predicted would occur over the coming years:
“We have run a computer simulation based on the data we have at our disposal”, he replied, “and it has produced some very worrying scenarios. It suggests that Donald Trump will win the US election in November, again with Russian help, and that he will declare himself Emperor of New America. Boris Johnson will do something similar after he wins the next UK election in 2024 and they will join forces to build a robot army that will conquer the world and rule for 1,000 years. Most of us will live out our artificial lives as their slaves, as will many of the generations that follow. On a more positive note, the makers of Pot Noodle will launch a Lamb Bhuna version which is absolutely awesome when you’re pissed.”
Shortly after we published this story NEWS of the NEWS was approached by writer, conspiracy theorist and all-round fruit-loop, David Icke. Icke told our reporters that whilst he had not yet read the report and did not know the credentials of the scientists behind it, he 100% believed them and would be conducting media interviews on the subject “once this 5G b*llocks has run its course”.