August 5, 2020

“Sun Same Distance From Earth As Yesterday Yet Today It’s Freezing”, Says Baffled Britain

After a significant period of warm weather, Britain woke up cold and confused this morning.

Steve Ladbroke from Cheshire told our reporters: “I don’t get it. Yesterday it was lovely and sunny and warm enough for me to sit in the garden in my shorts. Today it’s just as sunny but really, really cold. It doesn’t make sense!”

Donna Power from Perth agreed: “We finished up yesterday sitting in the garden drinking a few beers and rubbing after sun into our burned bits. I walked outside this morning hoping for more of the same only to find that it was about 5 degrees centigrade and f*cking freezing! I don’t get it because when you look out of the window it’s just as sunny as it was yesterday!”

Brian Hill from the West Midlands is equally frustrated by the inexplicable cold snap: “What I don’t get is that the sun is exactly the same distance from the earth as it was yesterday. There are no clouds in the sky so how can it possibly be 10 or more degrees colder? Something’s not quite right”, he continued. “The only explanation I can think of is that the government has learned how to manipulate the weather and decided to turn it to cold to keep us on our toes.”

We approached the Met Office for their more scientifically grounded comments and a spokesperson told our reporters: “It’s called weather. It changes most days and depends on many different factors. We could try to explain it in more detail to you but suspect that it would go over your head.”