April 24, 2024

“Cockapoos Cause Cancer” Say Scientists

In a report that has sent shockwaves throughout middle class Britain, a team of scientists has alleged that the lovable Cockapoo, the nation’s favourite four-legged friend, could be a cause of cancer.

The team at ‘RUFF’, a privately owned research group specialising in “doggy science”, told NEWS of the NEWS that their extensive tests suggest that the breed secretes an almost invisible substance which is highly toxic to humans. Exposure to these carcinogenic canines might, they say, affect the cells of the human owner, leading to serious illness or even death.

And it’s not just Cockapoos that pose a threat. The group alleges that any dog that contains poodle DNA might be just as dangerous to humans. That means that the owners of Cavapoos, Labradoodles and other poodle cross-breeds could be housing a ticking time bomb.

However, the report has been dismissed by the UK’s largest Cockapoo owners’ group, ‘COG’. The group’s founder, Mildred Fenstone, told NEWS of the NEWS: “COG is well aware of RUFF and it’s recent report. This so-called research group is well known for putting out controversial dog-related nonsense in a very public manner. They’re a bunch of attention seeking nutters that just want media coverage.”

Indeed, following our interview with Ms Fenstone, our reporters unearthed a now debunked ‘RUFF’ report from 1986 which suggested that Labradors caused HIV in humans. Further research led to the discovery of a report from the 1970s which drew a link between the Collie and syphilis.

NEWS of the NEWS asked ‘RUFF’ for their further comments but, to date, has not received a response.