June 20, 2021

Farmer with itchy trigger-finger desperate to shoot your dog

A farmer who owns land that includes a number of public footpaths is looking for literally any excuse to shoot your dog. That is the accusation of residents from a sleepy village in rural Cheshire.

An anonymous local told NEWS of the NEWS:

“Most of the dog owners in our village cut across one of the footpaths on the land as it connects two areas of publicly-owned woodland. He’s put signs everywhere that say ‘dogs kill livestock’ and constantly has confrontations with locals that legitimately walk through the field.”

Another resident of the otherwise idyllic village told us:

“I was happily walking Ozzy, our two year old Cockapoo, last week when Farmer Brown came over and started accusing Ozzy of terrorising his sheep a few weeks earlier. I tried to point out that we hadn’t walked that route for months but he wouldn’t listen and just threatened to blow poor Ozzy’s brains out if he ever saw him off-lead. I’m genuinely too scared to take him out of the house anymore!”

A third resident of the village had this to say:

“The guy’s a flipping nutcase! I wouldn’t mind but he’s not the only one either. I moved here last year from a village in Wales and it was the same there. I’m pretty certain that most farmers have nothing better to do other than shoot expensive family pets!”

NEWS of the NEWS managed to track-down Farmer Brown by walking its own furry friend through one of the footpaths on his land. After receiving a barrage of unfounded accusations from him regarding the behaviour of little Trixie, we pointed out that the average price of a sheep was £100 – whereas pedigree dogs now frequently cost in excess of £3,000 – and suggested that most dog owners would willingly reimburse him to that value in the unlikely event that theirs savaged one of his livestock. After brief reflection he told us to “f*ck off” and reiterated the threat that if he saw our Bichon Frise off-lead he would “blow its bastard brains out”.