May 18, 2024

Cows discover cocaine with street value of over £500bn

A herd of dairy cows, known locally for their tasty milk, surprised their owner and the authorities earlier this week by unearthing a massive haul of another, more expensive white substance.

Their owner, farmer John Brown, told NEWS of the NEWS:

“I was walking down to the bottom field early on Monday morning just like I do every day. Everything seemed perfectly normal at first but very quickly I started to sense that things weren’t quite right.”

“For a start the cows seemed to be moving around an awful lot more than usual and some of them were making loud snorting sounds. When I got closer I could also see that most of them had dilated pupils and looked quite edgy.”

He went on:

“It was then that I noticed a huge mound of white powder in the corner of the field.”

Police have confirmed that the substance found by the cows is exceptionally high quality cocaine in a quantity never before seen in the UK. The Chief of Hereford Police, Charles Nailer, told us:

“We still don’t know for sure how the drugs ended up in the field but are working on the assumption that they were jettisoned by a low-flying aircraft that was due to land on an airstrip less than a mile from the farm.”

“We are urging members of the public that have bought milk from the farm within the last few days not to drink it as it may be unsafe.”

NEWS of the NEWS understands that there have already been a number of ‘incidents’ following consumption of the milk. An altercation between two pensioners at the village’s post office yesterday led to a brutal stabbing and there are unsubstantiated reports from the local retirement home of residents being visibly “off their tits” during evening bingo.