October 1, 2020

Amazon Officially Confirmed As The UK’s 5th Emergency Service

In surprising news, the UK government has announced that retail giant Amazon is to be officially recognised as an emergency service.

A spokesman told our reporters: “During what is a very difficult period for the whole nation, Amazon has been a stalwart of the British people, delivering parcels to the needy and generally helping make life as normal as possible for so many of us.”

NEWS of the NEWS can reveal that from 1st May callers to 999 will be given the following options:

• Police

• Ambulance

• Fire Service

• Coastguard

• Amazon

Most Brits agree with the decision. Carrie Oakey from Sheffield told us:

“I don’t know how I’d cope with lockdown without Amazon. They’re always there for those important items that you suddenly realise you need. You know, like essential food and clothing, patio furniture and that kind of thing.”

Andy Belmore from Portsmouth agrees:

“Without Amazon I would’ve gone crazy already. They’ve been on-hand whenever we’ve needed them during this crisis bringing us the essentials to help get us through.”

We asked Mr Belmore what items in particular had been of such assistance.

“It’s the little things”, he said. “Last week they brought us a delivery of lightbulbs as we had four blow at the same time. That was a life-saver. The week before they delivered a hot-tub, a patio heater and 12 bottles of my wife’s favourite rosé. It’s like the blitz in the UK at the moment and Amazon just about make it bearable.”

Dave Stewart from Milton Keynes also agrees with the government’s decision:

“I’m currently sat at home with nothing to do. I’m on 80% pay and because I’ve no longer got commuting costs and I’ve cut back on the use of toiletries I’m probably better off than I’ve ever been! Thanks to Amazon I’ve been able to splash the cash on a new wireless hi-fi system, an extra fridge for the garage to store the constant deliveries of craft beer that I’ve been getting, and a robotic lawnmower. I genuinely feel like a king.”

We asked Mr Stewart whether he was struck by the irony of Amazon the retailer going from strength-to-strength whilst the real Amazon continued to be deforested at an alarming rate:

“Not really thought about it mate”, was his reply, “And I’ve got to go as I can see a DPD driver pulling up outside with my new 65” TV and Soda-Stream.”

Are you buying lots of sh*t from Amazon to get you through the monotony of lockdown? Let us know.