July 11, 2020

Putting Out The Recycling Now The Most Embarrassing Activity Of The Week

The simple act of putting out the recycling, once just a mundane part of domestic life, has been transformed into a weekly humiliation, lockdown Britain agrees.

Linda Bell from Newport told NEWS of the NEWS: “I never used to think about what I was recycling. It was normally just typical stuff like a few Dolmio jars and an empty bottle or two of Pinot Grigio. That was before lockdown. Now I literally dread the walk of shame every Tuesday evening when I have to put that bloody box outside! Last week it was seven wine bottles and at least fifteen beer bottles. I wouldn’t mind but we’d been taking it easy after the embarrassment of the previous week!”

Neil Porter from Colchester feels similarly guilty. He told our reporters: “I was never really a big home drinker before Coronavirus came along. I liked a good session down the pub but at home I’d maybe have a beer or two and sometimes the odd whisky. Yesterday I had to put a box outside my house with thirty six empty craft beer cans in it. Thirty six! I tried to nudge the box towards my neighbour’s house but it’s no good, it’s got my house number on the side so everyone knows it’s me.” Neil is not alone in his embarrassment though: “I watched the old lady from across the road put her recycling out last week and it was all vodka and cider bottles.” he told us. “She looked just as sheepish as me to be honest and she was even struggling to carry it.”

Belinda Saunders from Bath echoes these sentiments: “It’s got so bad”, she confessed, “that I’m now waiting until it’s pitch black outside before putting the recycling out. The problem is that it’s staying light until so late that it’s bedtime for some people by the time I can sneak out. I end up waking my neighbours with all the crashing and banging which is just drawing more attention to my raging alcoholism.” She paused for a moment before confiding: “Last week I filled two boxes with alcohol-related recycling and if I’m completely honest I still had more in the house that I was too ashamed to put out. I know it sounds terrible but I’m seriously considering grinding the glass down into a powder and putting it in our food. It sounds extreme but it’s the only way I can think of getting rid of it without looking like the gin-sodden lush I’ve become!”