September 29, 2020

British public ditches Government advice and decides herd immunity is way forward

In reaction to the government’s shifting and, some would argue, vague pandemic advice, the British public has unanimously decided that herd immunity is the best option.

NEWS of the NEWS spoke with Cheryl Hornby, a mother of three who enjoyed some sunshine at a beach in Dorset earlier this week. She told us:

“We all tried staying at home, didn’t we? We did that for ages and then suddenly it was ‘stay alert’, whatever that means. Like everyone else I’ve decided to do what I think is right for me and my kids as that seems to be the new message from Boris and Co. Someone mentioned this herd immunity thing which apparently means that we can pretty much do what we want and we’ll all become immune to the virus. I’m not sure why they didn’t do that in the first place but it sounds perfect to me. I had a sore throat last month anyway so I’ve probably fought the virus off already. I can pass that immunity on to everyone I meet simply by breathing on them.”

Gary Murphy from Billericay in Essex also spent the Bank Holiday at the beach. He told our reporters:

“The last two months have obviously been a load of old bollocks, if you’ll pardon my French. We’ve all been cooped up like a bunch of lemons whilst that Cummings tw*t and his family have been having picnics at castles and stuff. They obviously know something that we don’t. Anyway, we went to Southend-on-Sea at the weekend and had a great time. Our kids played with other people’s kids and we got chatting to loads of other families. Herd immunity is definitely the way forward. It builds immunity to the virus you see, plus you get a cracking tan.”