July 11, 2020

Dominic F***ing Cummings

Controversial Government strategist, Dominic Cummings, found himself in hot water today when it was revealed that he had travelled 260 miles to arrange care for his child whilst he and his wife ‘self-isolated’ due to suspected Coronavirus.

Despite the government’s advice to those in such situations being “DO NOT LEAVE HOME”, Mr Cummings justified his decision by stating that it was an ‘essential journey’.

A chorus of Conservative MPs, possibly conscious of the power that Mr Cummings wields behind the scenes, have come out in support of his actions. Their combined comments, summarised, amount to “What else could he have done?”

NEWS of the NEWS spoke with Mr Cummings’ sister-in-law who lives two streets away from him in London. She told our reporter:

“I agree with the Tory MPs that have voiced their support for Dom’s actions. I mean, what else was he to do?”

Mr Cummings’ brother-in-law, also of London, agreed:

“This is a fuss about nothing. Dominic literally had no alternative other than to drive to the opposite end of the country for childcare. How people can’t see that is beyond me.”