Dying for a pint? Reopening of pubs could make that wish come true

The ‘R rate’ might still be close to 1 but that hasn’t stopped the British government from taking the bold step of allowing England’s boozers to reopen on 4th July.

The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, told reporters: 

“The British people are tired of drinking reasonably-priced alcohol in the comfort of their own home or garden whilst in the company of their loved-ones or close friends. In the midst of a pandemic, what they really want is to drink expensive beer in an excessively noisy environment, surrounded by people they neither know nor trust, all whilst watching a football match they care little about.”

Scientists have expressed concern at the government’s decision. An expert in virology from the Royal College of Pathologists told NEWS of the NEWS: 

“To be frank, we’re not convinced that the government is ‘following the science’. COVID-19 is barely under control and a change in public behaviour of this type runs the risk of tipping us over the edge. As we all know, groups of people that have consumed alcohol find it difficult not to physically interact. They will hug, kiss, punch and shag one another the minute the pub doors are opened.”

For the time being at least, it’s a different story for those living in one of the devolved nations. Gareth Williams from Wrexham told us: 

“Once again the English get priority. It’s just so predictable! Why don’t I get the chance to expose myself to serious physical impairment – death even – for the sake of an over-priced pint of fizzy piss?”