April 19, 2021

Smelly Shitmas!

The festive season is rapidly approaching and throughout the country people are waking up to the fact that, rather than it being a Merry Christmas, it’s much more likely to be a ‘Smelly Shitmas’.

Shirley Crabb of Basingstoke told NEWS of the NEWS reporters:

“We put our decorations up two weeks ago thinking it’d cheer us up. It worked for a few days but it soon dawned on me that it’s probably going to be a pretty crappy Christmas, just like the rest of 2020. At the very least I’d normally look forward to having a few drinks but we’ve been hammering the booze since the first lockdown so the novelty of excessive gin and wine consumption has more than worn off. I’m thinking of moving onto hard drugs to be honest. That’d liven up the Queen’s speech!”

Brian Shoesmith from Manchester has a similarly bleak outlook for the so-called season of joy:

“Christmas can f**k off!” he told us. “We’re currently in tier 3 and I can’t fart without it breaking the government’s rules. What’s the point of looking forward to it when all we’re going to get is a half-arsed Christmas and Mrs Brown’s Bastard Boys on the box! I can’t even go on a pub crawl with the lads. I’m actually considering going on a killing spree instead. You know, just to help relieve the tension.”