May 18, 2024

Government Admits It Moved Daily Virus Briefing To 5pm Or Later To “Scare The Living Sh*t Out Of You”

After much speculation the UK government has admitted that it changed the time of its daily Covid-19 press conference in order to “f*** with your head”.

Government spokesman, Brendan McMonksley, told our reporters: “The earlier news conferences gave people enough time to take a deep breath, do something uplifting and feel positive about the rest of the day. By moving them to 5pm or later we’ve achieved our main aim, namely to ensure that the British public goes to bed spooked off its tits.”

He refused to comment on rumours that the government was considering adding sinister backing music to future briefings or that it might hire actors to projectile vomit mid-conference.