May 18, 2024

Lockdown Britain “Smelly and Pissed“ Says Report

It’s official, Britain is now dirtier and drunker than it has been for hundreds of years.

Newly released figures show that sales of alcohol are up by almost 40% whilst sales of deodorant are down by a similar amount.

A government spokesman told NEWS of the NEWS that the UK’s hygiene is deteriorating at such an alarming rate that if it continues we will reach levels not seen since the Middle Ages by Christmas.

Alice Guff from Basingstoke told our reporters: “I’m not going to lie, I haven’t been as on the ball with cleanliness as usual but my husband is far, far worse.” She went on: “He hasn’t had a shower for three weeks and I know for certain that he was so hammered last Saturday that he sh*t his pants. It’s not nice”, she added, “but on the plus side I don’t miss having to do the washing.”

So, are you drunk and smelly or do you still have some semblance of pride left? Let us know.