October 22, 2020

Runners Immune To Covid-19, Assume Runners

It’s official, Britain’s runners are immune to Coronavirus. That’s according to… Britain’s runners!

NEWS of the NEWS reporters spoke with keen runner Hannah Mills from Brighton. She told us: “I’m almost certain that we can’t catch the virus because, you know, we’re so fit and healthy plus we’re moving too fast for it to keep up with us.”

Regular runner, Kyle Adams from Chester, agrees: “We definitely have a different metabolism to non-runners”, he told reporters. “If Coronavirus tries to go down our throats and into our lungs I’m pretty certain we’ve got some kind of extra gland or something which basically kills it before it can get in. I actually feel sorry for people who don’t run”, he added, “not only are they mostly fat but they’re also sitting ducks for viruses and stuff.”

Non-running mother of two, Danielle Walker from Cirencester, appears to be persuaded by the science behind the running community’s assumption: “I mean, they must be immune mustn’t they? After all they don’t appear to need to socially distance nor do they seem to mind panting and wheezing down the back of your neck as you take your daily walk with the kids. They’re not going to do that if it wasn’t true”, she added, “because that would just be stupid and arrogant.”

NEWS of the NEWS reached out to the government’s Chief Medical Adviser, Chris Whitty, and asked for clarification regarding ‘runners immunity’. Surprisingly we have not yet received a response.