August 3, 2021

Are you an entitled Tory tosspot? Take our quiz and find out

Have you got what it takes to join the ruling classes in Whitehall?

We’ve devised a simple quiz which will help you unearth your inner Tory:

Question 1

Why do you want to join the government?

a) Because I’m strongly driven by many noble causes and, like most decent people, genuinely want to make a real difference to the world we live in. 

b) Look, I know I can make more money in the private sector but, hey, I’m already a squillionaire. What I really want is the status and ‘perks’ that come with a government job. If old Bozzer and his pals can do it then I’m damn sure a blind pony could too. Just as long as he went to the right stables of course, haha! 

Question 2

If you do join the government what sort of criteria will you use when hiring staff?

a) Bringing in the right staff is exceptionally important if we’re to succeed in instigating the changes this country sorely needs. It’s about hiring people based on ability, not on what school they went to or whether you owe them a favour. I want staff that share my opinions on key issues and can help me get the great people of this country the strong support they need from government.

b) Simple. I will be looking to hire – at the tax payers’ expense I might add – as much willing totty as possible. Full stop. Woof woof, trousers down! Next question?

Question 3

In the event of a national emergency such as a pandemic, what would your approach be?

a) In scenarios like this the government must act swiftly, listen to experts and do the right thing. There’s no room for party politics and representatives from both sides of the House should pull together to ensure the safety of the British public.

b) It’d probably be very much like chicken pox or your seasonal flu wouldn’t it? These scientists do like to go on a bit, don’t they, and they’ll do anything to get funding. Most of them are a bit lefty too and therefore shouldn’t be trusted. No, I would be more focused on making knee-jerk decisions based on the agenda set by the media, ensuring that whilst many more would die than was strictly necessary, we wouldn’t look too bad. That and trying to shag as many of my aides as possible of course!

Question 4

You have a lapse of judgement and are caught on camera having an extra-marital affair with one of your aides. What do you do?

a) I could never foresee such a situation arising as I’m far too loyal to my partner and to the cause. Hypothetically though, I would publicly apologise to my party and to the British public for being involved in such an embarrassing and shameful act. I would then do the right thing by resigning and focus my efforts on my wife and family, if of course they were prepared to forgive me.

b) Look, I’d be knees-deep in sauciness twenty-four seven so it would only be a matter of time before someone caught me in the act! It’s a badge of honour anyway isn’t it? You know, proof that I’m one of the gang and I can do what I jolly well want.

So, are you blue to the core and ready to run rampant through Parliament?

Answers:

Mostly As: You’re far too principled to work in this Tory government. Try doing volunteer work for Greenpeace or whatever it is bleeding-heart liberals do these days.

Mostly Bs: You’re clearly a top chap, a good egg and exactly what we’re looking for here in Westminster. Pack your bags and don’t forget to bring truckloads of rubber johnnies you randy goat!