July 11, 2020

Government’s Latest Advice: Do What The F*ck You Like

The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has released a pre-recorded message which included updated advice on how to battle Covid-19.

Following accusations that his government was slow to react to the pandemic, Johnson’s latest advice, which comes under the headline “STAY ALERT”, is being interpreted by most Brits as: Do what the f*ck you like.

Ged Baxter from Hartlepool told NEWS of the NEWS: “All they’re now saying we should do is stay at home as much as possible and try to keep your distance from other people. Like most men I’ve basically spent my whole life doing those things so this pretty much means I’m free to do what I want.”

Shelley Crumble from Felixstowe was equally buoyant at the news. She told our reporters: “I’m more than happy to stay alert if the government thinks it will help. I intend to visit anywhere that’s open within a 50 mile radius over the next week or so and will keep an eye out for coughing and stuff. It’s the least me and my friends can do whilst we’re out and about together.”

But the message isn’t quite the same for everyone. Owen Hughes from Bangor in North Wales is frustrated by the disparity between the government’s message and that of the Welsh and Scottish assemblies: “As always, the English get priority over the rest of us. Boris has basically told them that they can do what the f*ck they want. Meanwhile those of us in Wales and Scotland are being told to carry on pretty much as we have been for the last month and a half. The only extra thing I’m allowed to do is exercise more than once a day. I’m lucky if I exercise once a week to be honest so a fat lot of good that is. They’re also thinking of letting garden centres open. Who gives a sh*t about garden centres! If it was pubs then I think we’d all be happy.”