August 5, 2020

President Trump Just A Nice Guy Who Wants To Play With Puppies All Day

In news that is likely to shock the world, NEWS of the NEWS can reveal that the US President, Donald Trump, is actually just a really, really nice guy.

Our reporters spoke with numerous White House staff who, on the condition of anonymity, described in detail the man who just happens to be the leader of the free world.

A long-term White House aide told us: “The person that you see on TV could not be more different from the man I work for.”

He continued: “The President is one of the nicest, kindest, humblest human beings I’ve ever met. He always goes out of his way to get to know every one of us – and our families too – and often gives us gifts, including ones that he’s handcrafted himself in the East Wing art studio that he helped build.”

Another White House staff member told a similar story: “Donald Trump is a deeply emotional, loving man. I swear if he could choose what to do then he would just sit on the floor and play with puppies all day. He’s obsessed with life and how beautiful and important it is.”

She went on to reveal even more fascinating insights into the man behind the presidential mask: “He’s gained success by playing the character that everyone now knows but inside he’s deeply disturbed that he has to put on an act every single day. He never thought that the vulgar, brainless, emotionally-retarded person he was pretending to be would actually lead him to the White House.”

One of the President’s closest allies went even further by providing our reporters with a fascinating window into the Trump marriage: “Donnie is deeply unhappy at the moment and really doesn’t know what to do. It’s gotten so bad that I’ve heard him cry himself to sleep on many occasions. Behind the scenes he and Melania have a wonderful relationship and I often hear him say, ‘Melania, my darling, what would I do without you?’ The First Lady does everything she can to support the President but she’s also finding it difficult to perform her role because, like him, she’s pretending to be someone she isn’t.”

He added: “Melania is really the traditional American housewife. She makes apple pie, knits in the evening and loves nothing more than having the family around her, including her step children. The icy lady you see on TV is just a character she’s now cursed to continue playing day after day, just like Donald is stuck being the f*ck-witted orange d*ckhead you see on the news. It breaks your heart when you think about it.”