September 29, 2020

Keir Starmer owns a field and that’s a bad thing, apparently

There was a shocking revelation at the weekend as NEWS of the NEWS learned that the Leader of the Opposition, Keir Starmer, owns a field.

An understandable outcry has followed the news that everyone is calling ‘Fieldgate’ as the British public comes to terms with the fact that the assumed ‘man of the people’ actually has independent wealth.

Pauline Jones of Manchester told our reporters:

“I thought this was a new start for the Labour Party. Now I know that Starmer’s as bad as the rest of them I might as well go all in with that real man of the people, Boris Johnson.”

George Hamilton from Sheffield echoed those sentiments:

“It just shows you that you really can’t trust anybody. For some unexplained reason I thought Keir Starmer was just like me. You know, a normal bloke living in a council house with his partner and four kids. It shocks me to the core to learn that he’s actually so good at his job that he’s accrued sufficient money to purchase land. The toffee-nosed tw*t!”

Jeff Sutcliffe from Hackney in London is equally angry. He told our reporters:

“Just because he never once said he was a ‘man of the people’ I think we all know that it was heavily implied by the look on his face. I feel betrayed and no amount of forensic questioning at Prime Minister’s Questions is going to take that feeling away. The only alternative is to support that real man of the people, Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson. I know he was born in New York and educated at Eaton but for some bizarre reason I feel that he’s just like me inside.”

NEWS of the NEWS asked the disgraced Sir Keir for his comments on the story. He told our reporters:

“I never knew that owning a field precluded me from being Prime Minister. If I have caused any distress as a result of my field-related antics then I apologise profusely.”