“Christ, it’s nearly May!” Says Britain
Britain has woken this morning to the sudden realisation that it’s nearly May. Trudy Smith…
Lifestyle
Lockdown Britain “Smelly and Pissed“ Says Report
It’s official, Britain is now dirtier and drunker than it has been for hundreds of…
Runners Immune To Covid-19, Assume Runners
It’s official, Britain’s runners are immune to Coronavirus. That’s according to… Britain’s runners! NEWS of…
Easter Weekend Indistinguishable From Any Other Period During Lockdown
What have you been doing this weekend? The chances are that your answer is likely…
Social Distancing The Perfect Excuse For Anti-Social Brits
Most of us are following the government’s advice on social distancing and keeping at least…
Petrol Only £1 Per Litre (But You Can’t Use It To Go Anywhere)
News of a huge drop in the price of fuel has been greeted with delight…
“Don’t F****** Cough!” says Britain.
“That’s right, don’t you dare f****** cough!” That’s the message the British public is giving…
“Look At My Latest Tik-Tok” Amongst Parents’ Top 3 Most Dreaded Phrases
Britain’s parents have confirmed that, even in the midst of a pandemic, the threat of…
Middle Class Woman “Traumatised” After Exercising Without Wearing FitBit
43 year old Finance Manager, Anna Hancock, told NEWS of the NEWS, “I’d taken my…
“Nice Guy Driving A BMW” Actually Normal Bloke Borrowing W***** Boss’s Car
Following reports from Wilmslow of a BMW driver allowing other motorists to pull out in…