Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer
An attractive Asian female dentist has seemingly been chosen at random by a major toothpaste…
Easter Bunny Found Dead
In news that will break the hearts of children up and down the country, NEWS…
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids
NEWS of the NEWS spoke with a cross-section of Britain’s children and asked them what…
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights
In a flurry of rule changes this week, Premier League referees are to be given…
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen
A report released today suggests that the beds of most UK hotels are predominantly made…
Disney+ to air 24 part series chronicling the exploits of Chewbacca’s left testicle
Streaming platform Disney+ has denied sucking the Star Wars franchise dry with the announcement that…
New sitcom about farcical football club actually just documentary about Everton FC
It has been revealed that a new sitcom that was thought to chronicle the farcical…
Woman who just got back from a run desperate to tell you the route she took
A woman who just got back from a 2¼ mile run literally cannot wait to…
“What d’ya mean, it’s just a normal weekend?”, says Britain
Following consecutive Bank Holiday weekends, people up and down the UK woke this morning to…
New York jury finds Trump guilty of being himself
The jury in a New York civil trial has found former President Trump guilty of…