Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen “Please Can We Have Our Sport Back?” Sob Britain’s Men
It’s official, after four torrid weeks without televised sport the UK’s men have finally lost…
“Cockapoos Cause Cancer” Say Scientists
In a report that has sent shockwaves throughout middle class Britain, a team of scientists…
Petrol Only £1 Per Litre (But You Can’t Use It To Go Anywhere)
News of a huge drop in the price of fuel has been greeted with delight…
2019-20 Premier League Season “Should Be Cancelled” Say Unbiased Fans
Whilst the footballing authorities consider whether or not to continue with the current Premier League…
“Don’t F****** Cough!” says Britain.
“That’s right, don’t you dare f****** cough!” That’s the message the British public is giving…
Government Admits It Moved Daily Virus Briefing To 5pm Or Later To “Scare The Living Sh*t Out Of You”
After much speculation the UK government has admitted that it changed the time of its…
“Look At My Latest Tik-Tok” Amongst Parents’ Top 3 Most Dreaded Phrases
Britain’s parents have confirmed that, even in the midst of a pandemic, the threat of…
Manatees “Just Dolphins With Down’s Syndrome” Claims Scientist
In science news, the controversial zoologist Helmut von Schittsberg has claimed that the manatee –…
Middle Class Woman “Traumatised” After Exercising Without Wearing FitBit
43 year old Finance Manager, Anna Hancock, told NEWS of the NEWS, “I’d taken my…
“Nice Guy Driving A BMW” Actually Normal Bloke Borrowing W***** Boss’s Car
Following reports from Wilmslow of a BMW driver allowing other motorists to pull out in…