Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Disney+ to air 24 part series chronicling the exploits of Chewbacca’s left testicle 
New sitcom about farcical football club actually just documentary about Everton FC 
Woman who just got back from a run desperate to tell you the route she took 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
BBC TV presenter accused of having a private life, doing things that were completely legal, and generally acting in a way that had zero effect on viewers 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
“What d’ya mean, it’s just a normal weekend?”, says Britain 
New York jury finds Trump guilty of being himself 
Ed Sheeran denies ‘borrowing’ lyrics from other artists, telling fans: “Don’t stop believin’…” We’re All Living Inside ‘The Matrix’ Say Scientists… And David Icke
In a report that is sending shock waves around the globe, a team of scientists…
Sky TV Confirms: No Evidence of Top-Flight Football Pre-1992
Following a month-long investigation, Sky TV has announced that it can find no evidence of…
Amazon Officially Confirmed As The UK’s 5th Emergency Service
In surprising news, the UK government has announced that retail giant Amazon is to be…
“Christ, it’s nearly May!” Says Britain
Britain has woken this morning to the sudden realisation that it’s nearly May. Trudy Smith…
President Trump ‘Just A Nice Guy Who Wants To Play With Puppies All Day’
In news that is likely to shock the world, NEWS of the NEWS can reveal…
Lockdown Britain “Smelly and Pissed“ Says Report
It’s official, Britain is now dirtier and drunker than it has been for hundreds of…
Bibles To Include Images Of President Trump As Anti-Christ
In a surprising ‘revelation’, pictures of President Trump are to be included in all future…
People Who Watched Satellites Last Night Wake Up Blind And Are Easy Prey For Triffids
Shocking news this morning as many of the World’s population wake up to darkness after…
Ofcom Rules That Holmes and Icke Both “Bellends”
The broadcasting watchdog, Ofcom, has issued a formal response to recent on-air comments made by…
Billie Eilish “Not Even Remotely Bothered” Everyone Calls Her ‘Billie Eyelash’
In an exclusive interview, American singer songwriter Billie Eilish spoke with NEWS of the NEWS…