Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Danny Dyer To Open His Private Petting Zoo To The Public
TV hard man Danny Dyer has announced that he will be opening up his private…
Putting Out The Recycling Now The Most Embarrassing Activity Of The Week
The simple act of putting out the recycling, once just a mundane part of domestic…
TV Pundits Vote Liverpool FC “Greatest Football Club Of All Time”
Following much deliberation, football pundits past and present from the likes of Sky, BT Sport…
We’re All Living Inside ‘The Matrix’ Say Scientists… And David Icke
In a report that is sending shock waves around the globe, a team of scientists…
Sky TV Confirms: No Evidence of Top-Flight Football Pre-1992
Following a month-long investigation, Sky TV has announced that it can find no evidence of…
Amazon Officially Confirmed As The UK’s 5th Emergency Service
In surprising news, the UK government has announced that retail giant Amazon is to be…
“Christ, it’s nearly May!” Says Britain
Britain has woken this morning to the sudden realisation that it’s nearly May. Trudy Smith…
President Trump ‘Just A Nice Guy Who Wants To Play With Puppies All Day’
In news that is likely to shock the world, NEWS of the NEWS can reveal…
Lockdown Britain “Smelly and Pissed“ Says Report
It’s official, Britain is now dirtier and drunker than it has been for hundreds of…
Bibles To Include Images Of President Trump As Anti-Christ
In a surprising ‘revelation’, pictures of President Trump are to be included in all future…