Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Dominic F***ing Cummings
Controversial Government strategist, Dominic Cummings, found himself in hot water today when it was revealed…
Trump supporters have higher IQs, claims President
At a White House press conference yesterday, President Trump boldly speculated that his supporters were…
Keir Starmer owns a field and that’s a bad thing, apparently
There was a shocking revelation at the weekend as NEWS of the NEWS learned that…
Government’s popularity surges amongst golfers with nannies
Following a week in which members of the British public increasingly voiced their criticism of…
Britain’s Biggest Lockdown Cravings: Draught Guinness and Dogging
NEWS of the NEWS asked the British public to tell us what they were missing…
Agreeing With Piers Morgan A Symptom Of Coronavirus, Confirms Government
In news that will come as a shock to large swathes of the British public,…
Children’s Puzzle #1: Where’s Corona?
Hey kids, our wonderful Prime Minister, Mr. Johnson, says that because you’ve all been so…
Dog Mistaken For Boris Johnson
In news that is likely to embarrass the government, NEWS of the NEWS understands that…
Government’s Latest Advice: Do What The F*ck You Like
The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has released a pre-recorded message which included updated advice on…
“Sun Same Distance From Earth As Yesterday Yet Today It’s Freezing”, Says Baffled Britain
After a significant period of warm weather, Britain woke up cold and confused this morning….