Stephen Graham to star in every new British TV drama for the next 1,000 years 
Technology can go f**k itself 
Cows discover cocaine with street value of over £500bn 
F**k this craft beer bollocks 
Happy Herd Immunity Day! 
Middle-class woman worried she’s becoming a Kalms junkie 
England fans once again prove why they’re the best in the world 
New generation of England fans learns meaning of the phrase ‘It’s the hope that kills you’ 
Football didn’t come home 
Welsh, Scots and Northern Irish planning perfectly normal, uneventful Sunday 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: We put them head-to-head to find out which country is best off the pitch 
ITV’s Euro 2020 pundits voted ‘most punchable’ 
“Just give us the trophy now”, say measured, unemotional England fans 
Matt Hancock falls on sword, having washed it after aide allegedly ‘fell on it’ repeatedly We’re All Living Inside ‘The Matrix’ Say Scientists… And David Icke
In a report that is sending shock waves around the globe, a team of scientists…
Sky TV Confirms: No Evidence of Top-Flight Football Pre-1992
Following a month-long investigation Sky TV has announced that it can find no evidence of…
Amazon Officially Confirmed As The UK’s 5th Emergency Service
In surprising news, the UK government has announced that retail giant Amazon is to be…
“Christ, it’s nearly May!” Says Britain
Britain has woken this morning to the sudden realisation that it’s nearly May. Trudy Smith…
President Trump ‘Just A Nice Guy Who Wants To Play With Puppies All Day’
In news that is likely to shock the world, NEWS of the NEWS can reveal…
Lockdown Britain “Smelly and Pissed“ Says Report
It’s official, Britain is now dirtier and drunker than it has been for hundreds of…
Bibles To Include Images Of President Trump As Anti-Christ
In a surprising ‘revelation’, pictures of President Trump are to be included in all future…
People Who Watched Satellites Last Night Wake Up Blind And Are Easy Prey For Triffids
Shocking news this morning as many of the World’s population wake up to darkness after…
Ofcom Rules That Holmes and Icke Both “Bellends”
The broadcasting watchdog, Ofcom, has issued a formal response to recent on-air comments made by…
Billie Eilish “Not Even Remotely Bothered” Everyone Calls Her ‘Billie Eyelash’
In an exclusive interview, American singer songwriter Billie Eilish spoke with NEWS of the NEWS…