Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Hand sanitiser causes cancer, say scientists
As if life wasn’t tough enough, a team of German scientists released a controversial report…
Vegan at Christmas party waits 3 minutes before mentioning her dietary preferences, breaking previous world record
A woman from South London has set a new world record after waiting almost three…
Smelly Shitmas!
The festive season is rapidly approaching and throughout the country people are waking up to…
Rudy Giuliani to play ‘Ghost of Accelerated Cognitive Decline’ in A Christmas Carol adaptation
NEWS of the NEWS understands that the former Mayor of New York and current attorney…
New Coronavirus vaccine has 99% effectiveness but needs to be stored in treacle on the moon
There was further positive news today with reports of a vaccine that has a 99%…
God congratulates Joe Biden on election victory
In a move that has angered Trump supporters, God took the unprecedented step yesterday of…
President Trump to assume Lizard-like form if he wins second term
NEWS of the NEWS understands that US President, Donald Trump, is making plans to shapeshift…
Populist leaders plan piss-up in brewery
The world’s populist leaders have joined forces to arrange a party at a brewery. NEWS…
Dying for a pint? Reopening of pubs could make that wish come true
The ‘R rate’ might still be close to 1 but that hasn’t stopped the British…
95% of football fans ‘couldn’t give a sh*t’ about Premier League restarting
With the 2019-20 Premier League season set to restart this week, NEWS of the NEWS…