Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen F**k this craft beer bollocks
Brits have finally had enough of craft beer. That’s the message coming through loud and…
Happy Herd Immunity Day!
NEWS of the NEWS wishes all of its readers a Happy Herd Immunity Day! With…
Middle-class woman worried she’s becoming a Kalms junkie
A middle-class lady from Hale in Cheshire is concerned that she’s developing a life-threatening addiction…
England fans once again prove why they’re the best in the world
In the face of Euro 2020 cup final defeat, England’s band of happy-go-lucky fans once…
New generation of England fans learns meaning of the phrase ‘It’s the hope that kills you’
A whole new generation woke this morning to a sensation that the rest of us…
Welsh, Scots and Northern Irish planning perfectly normal, uneventful Sunday
The people of Wales, Scotland and Northern Ireland collectively woke this morning to the expectation…
ITV’s Euro 2020 pundits voted ‘most punchable’
An online poll conducted by NEWS of the NEWS has concluded that ITV’s main football…
“Just give us the trophy now”, say measured, unemotional England fans
England football fans are 100% certain of their team winning Euro 2020. That is the…
Matt Hancock falls on sword, having washed it after aide allegedly ‘fell on it’ repeatedly
Breaking News: Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, has resigned. NEWS of the NEWS has learned that…
Dancing like a twat whilst holding a national flag guaranteed to get you on TV
Broadcasters have confirmed that dancing around and shaking a flag like a soft twat pre-kick-off…