Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Ed Sheeran denies ‘borrowing’ lyrics from other artists, telling fans: “Don’t stop believin’…”
Carrot-topped singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran has been in court this week, accused of plagiarising the work…
Man in his 50s losing ongoing battle with nasal hair
A 51 year old man from Newport Pagnell has confirmed that he is losing his…
Elon Musk to buy Persian cat and live in hollowed-out volcano
The world’s richest man and new owner of Twitter, Elon Musk, has announced his latest…
Man who thought his Chinese wife was Japanese, in charge of UK economy
A man who once referred to his wife as being Japanese, even though she is…
‘Are we getting an extra Bank Holiday?’, asks Britain
Following the sad news this week of the passing of Her Royal Highness Queen Elizabeth…
Chelsea sack Graham Potter
News of the News understands that the London-based club has sacked its new manager, Graham…
Conservative Party members face difficult decision of choosing between man with brown skin and lying simpleton
With the number of candidates vying to be the next leader of the Conservative Party…
F**k me it’s hot, says Britain
For once, the much-divided people of Britain have a genuine reason to unite as temperatures…
Larry the Downing Street cat secretly hoping Kurt Zouma becomes next PM
Whilst the Tory party chooses our next Prime Minister, spare a thought for Larry the…
Tory Party members to decide who gets to f**k you next
In a demonstration of democracy at its finest, the 200,000 or so members of the…