Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen It’s (sort of) over!
NEWS of the NEWS is delighted to report that it’s over… we think. Thank fuck…
Satirical news sites struggling to keep up with non-stop shitstorm that is 10 Downing Street
The world’s satirical news sites put out a joint statement today, pleading with Boris Johnson’s…
Remember when Marvel was just powdered milk?
As the Marvel Cinematic Universe releases what feels like the 2,000th movie in a series…
Cars to run on Fabergé eggs in bid to cut the cost of motoring
As motorists up and down the UK will have noticed, global instability has led to…
Why paying £12m to a complete stranger is a victory, by Prince Andrew’s lawyers
Lawyers acting on behalf of estranged royal, Prince Andrew, have today been explaining to bemused…
Bloke who secretly despises his job receives cufflinks, pen and a tie-clip for his birthday
A man who outwardly appears to be the epitome of white collar success but who…
Stephen Graham to star in every new British TV drama for the next 1,000 years
TV execs have announced that the star of Line of Duty and countless other popular…
Brits set to take part in unprecedented number of ‘business meetings’ over Christmas period
Following Downing Street’s recent announcement that a photo showing the Prime Minister and others enjoying…
Technology can go f**k itself
We’ve all enjoyed the benefits of rapidly developing technology. Computers that can spot the early…
Cows discover cocaine with street value of over £500bn
A herd of dairy cows, known locally for their tasty milk, surprised their owner and…