Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Disney+ to air 24 part series chronicling the exploits of Chewbacca’s left testicle 
New sitcom about farcical football club actually just documentary about Everton FC 
Woman who just got back from a run desperate to tell you the route she took 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
BBC TV presenter accused of having a private life, doing things that were completely legal, and generally acting in a way that had zero effect on viewers 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
“What d’ya mean, it’s just a normal weekend?”, says Britain 
New York jury finds Trump guilty of being himself 
Ed Sheeran denies ‘borrowing’ lyrics from other artists, telling fans: “Don’t stop believin’…” Bloke who secretly despises his job receives cufflinks, pen and a tie-clip for his birthday
A man who outwardly appears to be the epitome of white collar success but who…
Stephen Graham to star in every new British TV drama for the next 1,000 years
TV execs have announced that the star of Line of Duty and countless other popular…
Brits set to take part in unprecedented number of ‘business meetings’ over Christmas period
Following Downing Street’s recent announcement that a photo showing the Prime Minister and others enjoying…
Technology can go f**k itself
We’ve all enjoyed the benefits of rapidly developing technology. Computers that can spot the early…
Cows discover cocaine with street value of over £500bn
A herd of dairy cows, known locally for their tasty milk, surprised their owner and…
F**k this craft beer bollocks
Brits have finally had enough of craft beer. That’s the message coming through loud and…
Happy Herd Immunity Day!
NEWS of the NEWS wishes all of its readers a Happy Herd Immunity Day! With…
Middle-class woman worried she’s becoming a Kalms junkie
A middle-class lady from Hale in Cheshire is concerned that she’s developing a life-threatening addiction…
England fans once again prove why they’re the best in the world
In the face of Euro 2020 cup final defeat, England’s band of happy-go-lucky fans once…
New generation of England fans learns meaning of the phrase ‘It’s the hope that kills you’
A whole new generation woke this morning to a sensation that the rest of us…