Vegan at Christmas party waits 3 minutes before mentioning her dietary preferences, breaking previous world record 
Smelly Shitmas! 
Rudy Giuliani to play ‘Ghost of Accelerated Cognitive Decline’ in ‘A Christmas Carol’ adaptation 
New Coronavirus vaccine has 99% effectiveness but needs to be stored in treacle on the moon 
God congratulates Joe Biden on election victory 
President Trump to assume Lizard-like form if he wins second term 
Populist Leaders Plan Piss-Up In Brewery 
Dying for a pint? Reopening of pubs could make that wish come true 
95% of football fans ‘couldn’t give a sh*t’ about Premier League restarting 
Are you an ANTIFA terrorist? Take the government quiz to find out 
Nigel Farage to be pulled down 
Family with two electric cars also owns woodburner, firepit, barbecue, chiminea and ride-on lawnmower 
Bloke still convinced his stag do will go ahead 
President Twunt 
Children’s Puzzle #2: Where’s Trump? Easter Bunny Found Dead
In news that will break the hearts of children up and down the country, NEWS…
“Please Can We Have Our Sport Back?” Sob Britain’s Men
It’s official, after four torrid weeks without televised sport the UK’s men have finally lost…
“Cockapoos Cause Cancer” Say Scientists
In a report that has sent shockwaves throughout middle class Britain, a team of scientists…
Easter Just “Sh*t Version Of Christmas” Say Kids
NEWS of the NEWS spoke with a cross-section of Britain’s children and asked them what…
Petrol Only £1 Per Litre (But You Can’t Use It To Go Anywhere)
News of a huge drop in the price of fuel has been greeted with delight…
2019-20 Premier League Season “Should Be Cancelled” Say Unbiased Fans
Whilst the footballing authorities consider whether or not to continue with the current Premier League…
“Don’t F****** Cough!” says Britain.
“That’s right, don’t you dare f****** cough!” That’s the message the British public is giving…
Government Admits It Moved Daily Virus Briefing To 5pm Or Later To “Scare The Living Sh*t Out Of You”
After much speculation the UK government has admitted that it changed the time of its…
“Look At My Latest Tik-Tok” Amongst Parents’ Top 3 Most Dreaded Phrases
Britain’s parents have confirmed that, even in the midst of a pandemic, the threat of…
Manatees “Just Dolphins With Down’s Syndrome” Claims Scientist
In science news, the controversial zoologist Helmut von Schittsberg has claimed that the manatee –…