Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Are you an entitled Tory tosspot? Take our quiz and find out
Have you got what it takes to join the ruling classes in Whitehall? We’ve devised…
Matt Hancock “sniffed own fingers” in COBRA meeting says source
In what has been a tumultuous week for Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, further revelations have…
Prime Minister’s opinion of Matt Hancock switches from “f***ing useless” to “dirty dog”
Following the revelation that government Health Secretary, Matt Hancock, had an affair with long-time friend…
Pescatarians to be reclassified as ‘fussy carnivores’
In a move that aims to redefine the eating habits of over 1.3m people in…
Londoners trial e-scooter scheme that makes them look like ‘right twats’
London is the latest UK city to trial an e-scooter programme which allows members of…
Harry and Meghan: Baby’s names in no way chosen to cynically appease the Queen, the media and the British public
Following the birth of their daughter, Lilibet Diana Mountbatten-Windsor, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex…
Put Spain on the f***ing green list, says Britain
Following the Spanish government’s recent announcement that British tourists can visit the country without taking…
Sleaze-ridden Tory government to take moral high ground when reviewing the BBC
The UK government is expected to announce sweeping reforms of the BBC once an ongoing…
Cummings: “It weren’t me, guv”
The former Chief Advisor to the Prime Minister, Dominic Cummings, has today been interviewed by…
Farmer with itchy trigger-finger, desperate to shoot your dog
A farmer who owns land that includes a number of public footpaths is looking for…