Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen Are you an ANTIFA terrorist? Take the government quiz to find out
Could you be part of a global, left-wing terrorist organisation without even knowing it? That…
Nigel Farage to be pulled down
In a dizzying week that has seen the removal of a number of statues that…
Family with two electric cars also owns woodburner, firepit, barbecue, chiminea and ride-on lawnmower
A family from Cheshire that outwardly appears to be trying to save the planet actually…
Bloke still convinced his stag do will go ahead
A man who excitedly booked his stag do almost 12 months ago and has looked…
President Twunt
What word best describes the President of the United States, Donald Trump? That’s the question…
Children’s Puzzle #2: Where’s Trump?
Hey kids! We know things are quite scary at the moment, what with that nasty…
We wrote article three years ago that predicted Cummings would write article predicting pandemic
NEWS of the NEWS can confirm that it did indeed publish an article three years…
If we’ve lied about Cummings it doesn’t mean we lied about Brexit, says Boris
Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, took the unusual step today of pre-empting a potential accusation that…
British public ditches Government advice and decides herd immunity is way forward
In reaction to the government’s shifting and, some would argue, vague pandemic advice, the British…
Competition: Win A Family Day Out At Barnard Castle
NEWS of the NEWS is excited to offer its readers the chance to win a…