Sausages ‘just dick-shaped hamburgers’ says food expert 
UK’s influence over US now limited to re-runs of The Benny Hill Show 
Musk to remove parts of own body in bid to make it more efficient 
Bloke watching women’s athletics on TV definitely not looking at their tits or fannies 
Amazon introduces breathalyser to prevent ‘pissed-up purchasing’ 
World leaders to be replaced by omnipresent QR code 
Woman literally cannot drink water unless it’s from a Gymshark bottle 
Football didn’t come home 
Nice guy Gareth Southgate ‘total filth in the bedroom’, alleges former lover 
England v Denmark: The tabloid newspaper guide to which country is best off the pitch 
Attractive female Asian dentist ‘chosen at random’ for TV commercial, says major toothpaste manufacturer 
Easter Bunny Found Dead 
Easter ‘just a shit version of Christmas’, say kids 
Premier League to introduce green cards, allowing referees to instantly grant foreign players permanent UK residency and working rights 
Scientists confirm most hotel beds 95% semen People Who Watched Satellites Last Night Wake Up Blind And Are Easy Prey For Triffids
Shocking news this morning as many of the World’s population wake up to darkness after…
Ofcom Rules That Holmes and Icke Both “Bellends”
The broadcasting watchdog, Ofcom, has issued a formal response to recent on-air comments made by…
Billie Eilish “Not Even Remotely Bothered” Everyone Calls Her ‘Billie Eyelash’
In an exclusive interview, American singer songwriter Billie Eilish spoke with NEWS of the NEWS…
Boris says: “W*nk for Britain”
The Prime Minister, Boris Johnson, has today encouraged people that work from home to “W*nk…
President Trump To Play Multiple Roles In ‘The Wizard of Oz’ Remake
Hollywood caught the entertainment world off guard yesterday when it announced that it had concluded…
Runners Immune To Covid-19, Assume Runners
It’s official, Britain’s runners are immune to Coronavirus. That’s according to… Britain’s runners! NEWS of…
Trump Accidentally Tells Truth
Washington DC: The White House was in disarray yesterday after reports suggesting that the President…
Skype, FaceTime and Zoom To Introduce £10 Per Minute Minimum Charge
In a move that is being described by many as “cynical” and “greedy“, the global…
Easter Weekend Indistinguishable From Any Other Period During Lockdown
What have you been doing this weekend? The chances are that your answer is likely…
Social Distancing The Perfect Excuse For Anti-Social Brits
Most of us are following the government’s advice on social distancing and keeping at least…